the Paradox of marriage

holistically: holistic :)

I'm getting married soon--we're talking less-than-20-days soon!

I am so excited that I could burst!  The wedding will be beautiful: smallish (just under 80 people), a church ceremony, and a reception at a gorgeous inn.

The marriage will be even more beautiful.

Before all this loveliness was planned and decided on, I had to define why I, Ashley, wanted to get married in the first place.  AND, what we (my fiance and I) thought of marriage as a couple?  (Thank you, my love for asking me, by the way!!) Since I resolved with myself why I wanted to marry, I've been approached by other people who want to know why I want to tie the knot.

Lots of pondering and soul-searching has gone on these last couple years because of this. I reflected on my identity as a faith-filled person, woman, feminist, bisexual human being, and tried to find where I stand with other "labels" in my life: what they mean to me, and how they're incorporated into my thoughts on marriage.  Let's focus on the first "label," though: faith.  Faith holds huge importance in my life.  With faith, too, comes the question of religion.

My relationship with the Church (Roman Catholic, that is) has been complicated, to say the least.  I won't get into all the details.  The short version is that it's still complicated, but I do have tremendous faith.  Faith in what?  A higher power (God), heaven, love, angels, forgiveness, and the idea that we're all human and deserve dignity. I believe in blessings, miracles, and the profundity of certain sacraments and milestones in life.

Marriage is one of those sacraments; while I do not agree with the Church's or society's stance on several issues, I do believe in the meaning of a marriage rite through the church as a blessing of a union between two people (whatever gender identity and/or sexual orientation).  I believe in the symbolic unification and sacred promise that two people go through in a marriage rite (be it Catholic or non-denominational or whatever!).  To me, marriage rites transcend simple promises and create a palpable and yet spiritual bond between two people who made the decision to dedicate their lives to each other.  That dedication is hugely intense and beautiful.  It's not something to be trifled with or made light of :).

Herein lies the paradox about this whole marriage thing. Marriage is sacred.  It is something to take seriously.  However, at the same time, it's something that is incredibly freeing and most uplifting.  To break it down a wee bit....

The serious bits
My beliefs underlying a marital promise transcends simply saying "I do" and goes so far as to say that God has blessed the promise my fiancé and I will be making to each other.  Through thick and thin, through the great times and the hard times, we have God, our families and friends, and the Church as our witnesses to the fact that we are dedicating our souls' journeys to each other and our future as a couple/family.  Breaking that promise and bond means breaking something sacred.

In my humble opinion, marriage needs to mean SOMETHING to you other than "yay! a wedding!" if you want it to last and you want it to be meaningful.  Weddings are lovely and fun and all, sure.  But they are not worth a lifetime of pain.

Do I think that you need to stay in a marriage if it's already broken, though?  Hell no. That's where I may differ from certain views.

Nothing in life is 1000% certain and people do change (shocking!). I do believe that marriage is something to enter into after serious reflection and with some certainty that you're willing to make sacrifices with and for another person.  I don't believe in throwing in the towel or tapping out when things get tough.

But, if you've tried it all and it won't mend, OR if there's abusive anything, time to go!

Now for the fun bits...
Have I mentioned how stoked I am to be married to my love?  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
That pic should say "weeeeee!!"

I digress.

Now that we have all the serious stuff out of the way, let's talk how AWESOME marriage can be, ok?  Marriage will allow me to live out my days with my best friend, lover, partner-in-crime, companion and whatever other cutsie names we have for each other (I know you do to.... don't lie... everybody has 'em!).  Marriage means I will have someone to support me through it all, and I get the amazing fulfillment of being able to be there for the person who I love with all my heart.

Those adult people were totally right when they told me that I'd "know" when I was in love (thanks, Mom!).  I know it all too well.  It's the greatest and most terrifying feeling ever.  To feel so much for someone and have that reciprocated is incredible, to say the least.  That incredible feeling is what I am blessed enough to experience for many years to come, thanks to committing to this relationship and now marriage!  I get to have this amazing person by my side who I'm crazy about and who is a wee bit crazy for me, too. I get to witness his accomplishments, happiness, ambitions, dreams--all the while, I'm inspired to be a better person and to pursue my own dreams because of him.

"But couldn't you experience all that without getting married?"

Sort of. Depends. If you believe you can, then yes.

For me and my life: I believe in the magic and spirituality of a sacramental promise. I believe in the adventure I'm about to embark in with the love of my life, and the sacredness of having Big Guns Upstairs bless our adventure, into Infinity and Beyond.

:)

Follow up to Sensitivity: "Over-reactivity"

holistically: mindful

As a followup from the last post on Sensitivity and Emotions, a comment brought to my attention a related concept to this whole sensitivity thing: REACTIVITY.

In the world of Mental Health (i.e what it means to be human.... I digress), there's an imperative notion/technique/process known as Emotional Regulation (Lakehead University article, and a tip sheet for emotional regulation in regard to children and youth).  You'll notice from the examples in the articles that Emotional Regulation is often referred to in the context of mental illness or a pertinent technique for maladaptive coping behaviours. 

I'd like to argue that Emotional Regulation is something we can all aspire to and that it's essential for getting by in today's climate.  Emotional Regulation gives the brain and body a chance to process incoming information, the resulting emotion(s), and deliver a response that is healthy.  When something triggers a strong emotional response, some examples or techniques to regulate your emotions include:
-controlled breathing (for example: breathe in for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts)
-physical activity (punching bag, stress ball, yoga, running, going for a walk)
-journalling
-drawing/doodling
-talking to someone/venting

The key point about the above strategies is that they are to be implemented before a quick, visceral reaction is allowed to take place.  These techniques give you a chance to react from a place of self-control.  You can express your sensitivity, and if you self-regulate, you can stop your sensitivity from becoming an impulsive reaction.

Moreover, in light of the comment left on the last post asking about our society becoming "too sensitive," it's time to address the issue of what it means to actually be "too sensitive," or more accurately: what it means to be too reactive.

There exists a perception pendulum for what is "normal" or "healthy" for everything in society. In the case of sensitivity, the pendulum has swung too far to the "NO FEELS AT ALL!!!!" zone, so anything deviating from being an un-emotional douchebag has become taboo.  If a person shows emotion to other people, they are commonly perceived as weak.  Unfortunately, this notion intertwines with negative views of the Feminine, but we'll have to cover that in another post someday.

Carrying on...

We need to embrace our ability and tendency to FEEL, because we are all human beings and not robots. Thank [enter your preferred deity here...for me, it's God].  I think spontaneous combustion is a possibility if we bottle up feelings too often. 

That said, as posted above, there needs to be healthy and regulated expression of those feelings. To be clear: Sensitivity and reactivity are NOT the same thing. In the context of emotional responses to everyday life (for example: YouTube videos, conversations, jokes, news articles, Reddit.com posts, everything on the internet, etc.) someone may very well FEEL triggered or offended by something. That's ok and completely normal. Problems and unhealthy communication arise when impulsiveness mixes with the sensitivity and you get a quick reaction that affects other people (i.e. reactivity).

Everyone is guilty of that at some point (me, too!). We all know that situation: you see a video (or worse, a comment that smashes your buttons) and BAM! You're sounding off, either ALL-CAPS'ing your responses and/or seething at your desk, clenching your jaw, shaking your head, and sometimes slamming things down harder than you really need to be......All because of a wee comment made by some other random person on the internet.

With the ease of use of the internet and every social media platform, resources are readily available at your fingertips to put that reactivity on display for the world (literally).  Those all-caps comments and responses are available for the world's viewing pleasure (or displeasure).  Of course, you can sign back on in a flurry of regret and press delete.  What have you learned, though?  Nothing.  Sure, you have the resources to retract statements that are written on the internet.  You don't have that luxury in person or with other forms of communication (emails, texts, and so on).  Companies like RIM and Google have implemented tools to retract BlackBerry Messenger messages and emails.  All that teaches you is that you can dodge consequences for your reactivity..............sometimes.  Instead of thinking before you send (or react) to something, you can spew whatever emotionally-charged dross you want, then retract your hastiness with a few clicks.  Great. *insert eye roll*.  Except when you can't, of course and that email is gone into the abyss forever.

With great power......

Truly, though, with this expansive resource in front of us (i.e. the Interwebs), with millions of articles on topics of interest, we have an opportunity as a society to connect and discuss things that we couldn't years ago--or at least not as quickly. We have the opportunity to share how we feel and think about issues that matter to us.

Like any communication, though, it's our responsibility to:

1) own our feelings,
    and
2) own our WORDS, and therefore
3) own our reactions.

We are responsible for how we express our emotions. Hence, it is perfectly ok to scream into a pillow if you're pissed off about something (an article, coworker, whatever). However, it's not ok to scream at someone. The same goes for it being ok to come up with a blog or comment or other social media post about something you're passionate about, but it's BEST to NOT do so until you've thought about who your words will impact--including yourself.  After all, while it's nice to protect others' sensibilities, this is ultimately about your own health and well-being.  Your sense of self-regulation and self-control will only benefit yourself and then others.  Through self-regulation, you'll feel better about your responses, you probably won't regret things you say and/or do, and you likely won't get punched in the face (literally or figuratively).

Again, we're all guilty of rage-posting or rage-commenting here and there (and again, me included in that). For overall health and well-being, it's necessary to be responsible about it.

That whole responsibility thing is not so prominent, sadly.  I think society is potentially becoming too reactive, instead of sensitive. We often run with low quality info in lieu of good quality research or facts. We run with what makes us burn or laugh, which isn't wrong, per se, but it's too easy to do so carelessly and frequently. That frequency and ease is a dangerous combination which leads to chronic ill reactions.  Reactivity is detrimental when it is chronic.  

Before you pay special attention to how to retract messages on BBM or your Gmail, consider paying special attention to how you feel before you write a damn word.  Why not make it a habit/rule/ritual/quest (for the nerds out there...where you at?!) to ALWAYS stop and think before responding to something that gives you the feels.  When you feel indifference, proceed.  When you feel anything that makes you think and act differently than a minute ago, take a breather or go for a walk or something. Come back, and write your response.  Most importantly: be prepared for the consequences, as there will be consequences.  This doesn't mean it will always be bad consequences, but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (nice little ELI5 moment there).

All in all, balance those wonderful human emotions with some sensibility, please.  Let's not let the pendulum of "too much" or "too little" emotion swing to either extreme.  Give your brain a chance to process and respond with some thought behind your words and/or actions. Or else THIS may happen....

Stay safe and happy, folks :D

On Sensitivity and Emotions

holistically: mindful

Sensitivity--or in this case, the state of being deeply emotional both inwardly and through outward expression--is usually seen as weakness. The word "sensitivity" itself is usually interpreted as being "easily hurt" or offended--a trait considered very undesirable. Check out the Dictionary.com definition, for example.

"Don't be so sensitive!"

"Suck it up!"

"Get over it!"

Sound familiar? Well, it seems like our society is obsessed with always moving forward--with bulldozing emotional response for the sake of productivity, efficiency, and in all reality, for the sake of not making others uncomfortable with our own uncomfortable emotions.

As soon as we step into the realm of emotional experience and expression, we step into the stigma surrounding the idea that being "emotional" is weak--that it's bad. Well guess what: humans are emotional beings. We all experience emotion.

Yes, some emotions can feel negative and can have negative effects. Anger, sadness, grief come to mind. However, the negative effects that these emotions can have are contingent on how we express them--on how we use them. What the heck do I mean??

If you're angry about something, then you're angry about something. There is ZERO wrong with acknowledging that. Being sensitive in this case and showing your anger is NOT wrong. It boils down to the "how" of it all, though...

For argument's sake, let's look at an example, shall we? A co-worker shirks his/her responsibility to do a task that is theirs to do. You end up having to do it and to have it done.....yesterday. If you're angry about this, that's OK. What if you go and punch your co-worker? That's not ok. That's a negative effect (if I do say so myself). What if you go and yell at your co-worker? That's also not ok and another negative effect that will spawn other negative effects like a virus (or like this chain reaction, though not as cute). .

But what if you go for a walk? Breathe heavily in your office for a bit or in the bathroom? What if you write down everything you're feeling/thinking (even if the f-word comes up every second word)? What if you wait until you're somewhere you can punch a pillow or an actual boxing bag? Or, simply, what if you go somewhere safe and swear, scream, flail, yell "I'M SO ANGRY" for a few seconds until you're calm?

ALL OK!

That's right: that would all be ok. Know why? Because you're not storing that negative, angry energy and thoughts in your mind and body. Regardless of the actions that need to be done, how you perceive the action/task will be the deciding factor in your own health. To clarify: if you decide that you need to do that task that your co-worker tossed onto your shoulders, then do it. But that doesn't mean you have to like it, and it does not mean that you're not allowed to be angry. So be angry. But let that anger out in a way that does not hurt yourself or another person, and find a way to move on.

BONUS: if you can find a way to talk to your co-worker about this issue, even better. But this needs to happen after your jets are settled and you feel like a cool cucumber.

Example number two: your pet passes away and you aren't able to talk to a friend/spouse/family member yet about it, but you're really, really upset. You feel it building up and are almost not able to "keep it together" around other people. Please be kind to yourself and do something about that sadness. It's perfectly OK to cry for 5 minutes straight (or however long you need) in a safe location. Again, you could also scribble down what you're thinking/feeling, even if it doesn't make sense. Sadness and grief can be complicated. There are different ebbs and flows of how you experience grief. Allow yourself those feelings and thoughts that accompany grief, and do your best to communicate your needs with your loved ones and friends. If you're in healthy relationships with your loved ones, they'll understand the boundaries you need around grief (especially those people who have experienced loss themselves).

If you do not have anyone you trust to talk to, there are resources out there. Counsellors, phone lines, websites, oh my! For London, Ontario, this is good place to start.

What happens if you chronically (i.e. frequently and/or over an extended amount of time) do NOT express emotion--especially "negative" ones?

Lots. And it ain't good.

To list a few things that could be present (not all at once, though)... *drum roll*

Physically***:
-IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)
-high blood pressure
-other digestive upset
-hormonal imbalance
-trouble sleeping
-heart issues
-exhaustion
many others

Mentally***:
-brain fog
-scattered thought
-repetitive thoughts and/or memories
-"obsessing" about certain thoughts or memories
-anxious "what if" thinking

Emotionally and Mood***:

-Irritability
-withdrawing
-anxiety
-depression
-mood swings
-feelings of inadequacy
-feelings of unfairness and/or not being "heard"
-fight-or-flight
-aggression

***NOTE: this is NOT a diagnostic tool, nor should it be used in place of professional medical advice. Please see a doctor or other helping professional if you have questions or concerns about any of the above, or any symptoms/issues not listed here.***

Where do we go from here??? Is sensitivity good or bad??? It's good, right??

It's dangerous to think in terms of black and white: to consider sensitivity a "good" or "bad" thing.

So far, we've looked at why sensitivity is NOT a bad thing and why the only thing that's "bad" is keeping your emotions inside and letting them build. However, the absence of something bad is not necessarily equal to "good." It's not "good" to run away with all of your emotions, either.

Again, what do we do??

Get ready because I'm about to talk about the "b" word: BaLaNcE.

Be sensitive...but balance that shit with healthy expressions of your strong emotions. Let the anger out. Let the joy out. You're a human being, and human beings are built with a broad range and intensity of emotions. There's nothing wrong with feeling and showing your feelings. You're not a wuss or weak if you show emotion. That's some sexist bullshit right there, but we may address that on another day...

When in doubt, LET IT OUT.

Other reading: Emotion Suppression Effects on Mental and Physical Health
Emotion Suppression and Rebound Effect (Emotion Regulation)
Bottling Emotions and Associated Health Risks
Emotion Suppression and Effects on Relationships
Repression and its Effects
Suppression and Depression
Holistic View of Emotional Suppression and its Effects
Anger Suppression and Health

And for fun:
Buzzfeed: 26 Signs You're a Highly Sensitive Person
Huffington Post: 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People

Perspective

holistically: mindful and spiritual

A buddy of mine asked me how things are going for me today, and how wedding plans are going.  Not an unusual question, and I always sense that he genuinely wants to know.  I gave a pretty typical response about things in general ("things" have been stressful and a bit rollercoaster-esque).  My response to the wedding question was positive: I am super excited about marrying my best friend and partner.  To boot, plans have been going smoothly and the "big stuff" was planned a while ago.  Woo hoo!

Back to my friend.

When I asked him in return, he almost said something of a venting nature, stopped himself, and then went off on a tangent.  Before a cohesive sentence about the struggles of having a new baby in the household, work stuff, or whatever came out of his mouth, he said that he really could not complain.  Following that, as we walked with coffees in hand, he continued to explain that he really has it "pretty good," especially when you consider his situation versus what's going on on a global scale. I was transfixed, and kept listening as he described a YouTube video he saw about a soldier coming home to his daughter after a 1-year deployment.  He described how the daughter bursts into (happy) tears and alluded to how impactful that video was to him.

[I've seen a few of those videos (people tend to post that kind of "inspirational" content on Facebook or Reddit).  For a taste, check this one out.]

I commented on how that type of video would certainly hit home for him, especially as he and his wife just had another beautiful baby girl.  (Personally, I can't imagine the emotional turmoil families go through when their soldiers are deployed.)

I joked about how there's always room for improvement, but agreed that we really do need perspective in our lives.  We parted, and on went our day.  But it got me thinking as I felt uneasy about the topic of conversation and honestly, I wasn't very happy with myself .

Something surprised me and I dare say that I felt a wee bit of shame because of this: when he was saying how he really has "no right to complain" about anything, I could feel a rising sense of disagreement.   A voice was rebelling inside saying "of COURSE you have every right to complain about [xyz, or whatever we've discussed in the past]."  I shut that voice up and listened, instead, but I did so reluctantly.  I could feel a slight anger rising inside of me because I have been complaining about certain things that I'm struggling with in my life.  All of a sudden I felt like I was being slapped in the face with the notion of "it's really not that bad, kid! Get over it!"

Well.  Of course whatever I'm going through isn't that bad (this one's a slow burn).  On a base level, I'm a white, middle-class woman.  According to societal norms, I'm privileged in at least two regards.  On a spiritual, mental, and physical level, I feel amazingly privileged that I have a home; a family I love and who loves me; a partner who I adore and will marry soon (SQUEE!); wonderful friends; beautiful and loving furbabies; and a job! Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Enter my social work conscience....

But but but!  What about illness-inducing stress?  Debilitating depression?  Toxic relationships? Chronic anxiety that haunts your nights and your waking hours? What about financial pressures? Family issues? What about "normal" problems? 

If you are uncomfortable with something, hurting, experiencing mental health issues and/or physical health issues, it's all real.  It's all valid,  We completely, entirely, and absolutely (I'm not talking about Sith-like absolutes, people!) have a right to complain...

with perspective and gratitude.

If you do not release that which you are upset about, it will stew, fester, and grow and express its ugly self in nasty ways (more on that in another post to come).  In addition, if you're facing something chronic (a chronic condition, a family member is chronically and/or terminally ill, etc.), your well-being depends on being able to work through things and getting support.

However, at the same time, as my friend pointed out, we truly do need perspective. Our families are not plagued by poverty, war, natural disasters, disease, fascism, etc.  For example, I have the privilege of going to the grocery store and buying what I need and want.  That's huge.  Absolutely HUGE.  So very many people in Canada cannot even afford what they need--let alone what they want.

So what's the answer? First on the docket:

Gratitude. You can have your complaining-cake and eat it, too.  You can complain, vent, cry, scream, swear, punch a bag (please don't punch someone), go get counselling, talk to a friend, workout, write something, dance around, flail your arms, curl up in a ball---whatever you need to do to get it out! Whether or not your concerns seem valid to someone else, if they're real to you then they are real in general. <3

After that, be grateful.  It really could be so. much. worse. If you've ever experienced anxiety, then you don't need me to list all the things that could go wrong (anxiety-brain does that constantly for me and for you, if you experience it, too).  Instead, list all the things that have gone (and are going) right.  List (on paper or in your lovely cranium) what you feel good about; what makes you smile.  If you're lucky enough: what puts food on your table; what puts a roof over your head; that you have a roof and food; etc.   It may sound corny or dumb, but being grateful in the face of great adversity will help you achieve something incredibly profound:

Balance.

When you gain perspective, you have achieved a true balance between empathy and self-love, where you can understand (to an extent) what others go through, and accept your own truth and reality simultaneously.  It's not always easy to do because fear of what could go wrong or what is going wrong conflicts with the positive in life.  The negative tries to cloud your vision and blind you from the good.  While you can't fight that cloud completely, you can clear some of the fog with focusing on what you are thankful for.  There, you will find balance.

I felt angry today because some of the things I am facing are not being solved.  However, when I shifted my focus, I managed to feel incredible gratitude, love, hope, and lightness because I lead a fulfilling life.  From the basics of being able to live at all--to breathe, see, hear, smell, touch, and taste--to the richness of experiencing the true love of a soul mate, I am blessed.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  I am no less deserving of expressing my truth when I feel low, and no less deserving of having a wonderful life.  I just need to share that blessing and try to do what I can to brighten others' lives.  So vent, be thankful, and share.

Perspective.

Celebrating Love!

holistically: spiritual

Valentine's Day.

What does that evoke for you?  Do images of rose petals, chocolates, heart-shaped everything, lingerie, fancy dinner menus, decorative cards, pink, red, and purple come to mind?  Do these images haunt you or excite you? 

In my (humble) experience on this Earth, in an Ontarian city, I've observed a great polarity in feelings about Valentine's Day.  In simpler terms: people either hate it or love it!  

Personally, I'm in the "love it!" camp.  Not for the reasons you may think, however... but we'll get to that.

Before we "unpack" (nice little social work term there) my love for Valentine's Day, let's take a look at the two camps, shall we?

Ok.  So first off, we have the "NO" camp.  I think the biggest reasons I hear muttered from people who don't like V-day say that it's too commercial, that there's too much p r e s s u r e, and that it feels fake.  In other words, how can you express real love in your own way and when you want, when you're forced by society to throw gifts at someone on one specific day?  The expectations can be horrendous! PLUS, if you're single or in an "it's complicated" situation, the palpable pressure to commit and/or find someone to love becomes ridiculous.

I get it--I really do.  These views of Valentine's Day are born from shopping malls, card stores, commercials, and crappy movies.

So why the heck do I love Love Day?

Simple: my family.

Valentine's Day has not been about couples and romance for me until I met my partner (now fiancé).  Growing up, I loved picking out Valentine's Day cards for my classmates and friends.  More than anything, though, I loved the time I got to spend and celebrate with my family.  As cheesy as it may sound, Valentine's Day has been about celebrating love.  (Thanks, Mom!)

Family has always been so important to my inspiring mother, my incredible father, my beautiful (inside and out) sister, and me.  When my dad passed away, our little family unit became even closer. We cherished what time we could celebrate together--what time we could bask in and make the most of.  Once you experience a great loss, you look at time in a whole new perspective!  Hence, why not use every excuse/reason to make that time fun and memorable?

We would do a small gift exchange, go for dinner, sometimes we would go to a cottage for a weekend -- it didn't matter what it was that we did, as long as we all came together to acknowledge that we love each other.  The expectations we put on ourselves and each other were not dreaded or resented.  Quite the opposite!  We relished the expectations and the excitement of sharing time, giving each other tokens of love and appreciation, and doing something fun.

When my sister had a date, she would include me somehow in festivities during the Valentine's weekend, and so would my mom.  They would always make a point of doing so.  When my awesome step-dad came onto the scene, he also adopted our eccentric Valentine's ways and welcomed our presence with open arms.

Enter my fiancé: my beautiful, selfless, generous, kind, funny, humbling fiancé.  I'm a blessed woman.  Aside from an amazing family, I've been able to include my fiancé in that circle, too.  Again, there are no harrowing expectations around Valentine's Day for my partner and I.  I burst with excitement to express my love for him in any way that I can.  What does my relationship (and celebrations on V-Day with my partner) mean for my family's tradition?  Well, my family has adapted to supporting and including any new members :).  We haven't lost our tradition of doing something together.  We make an effort to keep up sharing in something as a family, even if it's just a brief visit or dinner.

So how ELSE can you celebrate love?  Glad you asked!!

I've seen more campaigns (grassroots, student campaigns, events on campus, online articles, etc.) this year circling the idea that Valentine's Day can be so much more than what the stores make it.  Valentine's Day can be about love: period.  What's more is that I'm seeing greater focus on loving thyself.  So let's go with that advice: LOVE YOURSELF, please.  Thanks.  I bet you don't give yourself enough celebration.  We all do lots of self-deprecation and criticism, but what about self-love?  I'm not talking about anything vain or selfish: I'm talking about doing something nice for yourself.  Take a nice bath, read a book you love, go see a movie you've been dying to see, binge on Netflix, eat that Chicago Mix popcorn you've been craving all week, take that gym class you've been wanting to--do something, no matter how small, for YOU.

While you're at it, why not celebrate someone you love: a family member, a friend, a coworker, your neighbour, your dog, your cat.... see where I'm going with this?  Instead of focusing on what makes you feel uncomfortable or avoidant (i.e. "crap...I'm supposed to be in love right now and I'm not... Valentine's Day sucks!" or "Valentine's Day is the most fake, stupid holiday ever!"), why not focus on things that make you smile?  Even if nothing you do has pink or red hearts on it, making sure you give your puppy a tighter hug than usual on February 14th, or giving your kitty an extra treat, or spending more time playing video games with your brother, you'll be enhancing your own happiness instead of hindering it with disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

Remember: you are in control of how you spend Valentine's Day, and every day of the year.  More importantly: you are in control of how you view each day.  If your heart will sing by you allowing yourself to be hibernating in your house with Netflix this Valentine's Day without any inkling of the kitschy stuff going on outside, then awesome!  BASK IN IT.  If your heart will sing by writing a card for your best friend, covering it in sparkly hearts and everything pink, red, purple, and white, while sharing cupcakes with pink icing, then BASK IN IT.

Bask in what makes you happy on Valentine's Day, and every day.

Zee's, Zed's--however you say it, it's one of my favourite things!

holistically: physical

"What the heck is she talking about?!" (I assume you're asking yourself.)

Glad you asked! I'm talking about sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep (or "sleep," as it's better known).

Before he passed, my dad used to say that being tired makes everything feel worse. As a kid, I didn't really understand it, nor did I think being tired applied to anything worthwhile in life. I pretty much thought that I could eat, sleep, play, sing, dance, pull heads off of Barbies (not my proudest moments) when I felt like it. Nap time? Who wants that as a child?!

Now, as an adult, I can recall many times when my mom told me that very same thing and how true it has felt over the years. Being tired sucks (for lack of a better term)! I crave naps, or simply a good, hearty sleep for more than 5 hours.

But how much sleep do we actually need as humans**? It's a topic that has been debated, refuted re-instated (as you'll see in the various sources below). Obviously, there is no "one size fits all" for humans. There are general guidelines, though, especially when Science is involved. Take ASAPScience, for example: these guys use Science to teach audience members/viewers about common-interest topics in a researched, valid way. They actually did a video on sleep, entitled "How Much Sleep Do You Actually Need?" (appropriate topic, non?).

Through research , they help viewers discover how much sleep is ideal for certain levels of functioning. Note that I did not say "how much sleep is needed by all....period." While simple, the research method used in the video helps us to understand that various amounts of sleep will have various effects on our brain, affect (mood), and basic functioning. This certainly sparked my interest and I do keep it in mind when I go to bedfordshire.

Being asleep is great and all, but what if you can't fall (or stay?!) asleep? Stress (along with other basic factors) affects sleep, falling asleep, and staying asleep. I believe that's a pretty well-known idea, but it's worth re-stating. It is easy to forget or to not think of simpler, "every-day" reasons for uncomfortable, annoying problems (like insomnia). Having trouble falling or staying asleep is potentially quite detrimental to your holistic health (mind, body, spirit). As stated above, insomnia, having trouble falling asleep, and/or staying asleep all affect your mind, body, and mood (and spirit). (For more information on insomnia and its effects, you may click here or here).

Have you ever had those nights where you are so tired so you lie down, fully expecting to fall asleep, and then stay awake for 30 minutes...1 hour...drift off for a bit then wake up again? How unpleasant. What the heck can you do if that's a frequent situation?

Well, for starters, go see a doctor if you have not done so in months. It's always wise to rule out any organic issues via blood tests, asking questions, and advocating for your own health. If everything returns "normal" but you're still having troubles sometimes, there are some simple tips that have worked for myself, and plenty of articles out there with recipes for falling asleep effectively.

Ashley's tips:

• DARKNESS: who can identify with noticing the subtle glow from their cellphone, the more glaring glow from an alarm clock, the unhealthy glow creeping in from the crack between the window and curtain while going to bed at night? I ended up buying an eye mask (from Amazon Canada) to help me sleep better. And it helps! I don't use the ear plus included, but that's up to you :) 
• MEDITATION: ok. I almost cringe when I see this listed anywhere, too, because it does sound like a buzzword these days. Please trust me that it does work! As stated in the previous post, using a quick, simple 10 minute guided meditation before bed works wonders. If I'm super stressed, doing 2 in a row is magical. I lie there, in the dark and breathe. The trick is that if your mind wanders at all, to simply notice those thoughts, say "thanks for that" to your thoughts, then focus back on your breathing. Again, my fave meditations to use are by Positive Magazine. 
• SOOTHING SOUNDS: crickets by the lake, waves, rain falling, waterfalls, white noise--whatever you find soothing, there's likely a Youtube video or an app for that! 
• BE DILIGENT but SUPER KIND TO YOURSELF: If you know you have to get up at 6am, aim (as best you can) to get to bed by 9:45ish to try to fall asleep for 10pm. This is if you know you do well with 8 hours. Try with 7 hours for a week first, if 8 hours is just not feasible. If you're a morning workout person, please be kind to yourself. You need energy in order to work out. You can harm yourself and actually set yourself back if you work out when you're exhausted. No, that doesn't mean skip your workouts or some form of exercise all week, but don't push yourself if you're already exhausted. Know thyself :) Forgive thyself. 
• AWESOME PILLOW: the fiancé and I bought memory foam pillows (example). We bought ours from Groupon, but I'm sure there are lots of choices out there. They claim to do backflips and miracles. We find them to be supportive on the neck, head, and help with improving back alignment. As someone who has low back issues, the pillow has been a great help. My previous pillow was much too soft and bothered my shoulders because of it. 

Other tips***:

• Shut off electronics 
• Make sure your room is a comfy temperature (not too hot, not too cold) 
• LAY OFF CAFFEINE....in the afternoon/evening, anyway 
• LAY OFF ALCOHOL....right before bed 
• Try not to smoke too close to bedtime, too (the nicotine can keep you from sleeping right away) 
• Do some puzzles or mental exercises (math, Su Doku, word searches) 
• Wear socks (but again, make sure your room temperature is comfortable) 

NOTE and DISCLAIMER:

If you're having serious issues falling asleep every night, taking medications to help you sleep, falling asleep at work/school, feeling sick all the time... GO BACK TO YOUR DOCTOR. Please advocate for yourself or bring a trusted friend with you to the doctor to help you ask questions. There could be serious problems that are causing your insomnia and keeping you from sleeping. For a simple, comprehensive list of potential causes for insomnia, please click on the Sleep Foundation's article.

On a more fun note, I sincerely encourage you to check out ASAPScience's other videos. They are seriously educational and more importantly, enjoyable :).

SOURCES:

**http://sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need
**http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/adult-sleep-needs-and-habits
**http://www.cdc.gov/sleep/about_sleep/how_much_sleep.htm
**http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-christopher-winter/sleep_b_2084339.html

***http://www.livescience.com/35920-tips-for-good-sleep.html
***http://lifehacker.com/what-should-i-do-when-i-cant-fall-asleep-1533434286

There's a website for that

holistically: mindful

Hello Interwebs

Just your friendly neighbourhood Social Work-esque blogger here.

We all know the phrase: "there's an app for that" (thanks, Apple).  Well, I believe that there is also a website for most things in life: cooking, loving, clothes, how-to's, organization, self-help, gadgets, gaming, resources, informational pages, etc. etc. etc.  If you've thought of it, there probably is a website for it.

Which brings me to my quest for "what will I resolve to do this year" (i.e. cliché New Year's resolution stuff). I'm not a fan of clichéd tasks, really: having a New Year's resolution feels uninspired and unauthentic.  Why?  Because we're force-fed resolutions by a plethora of sources (media, companies, advertising) that we "should" strive for: lose weight! look younger! get fit! be more [insert whatever trait society deems successful, beautiful, sexy, desirable, etc.]!  Not much room for change or creativity, eh?

Having said all that, I do see value in striving for self-betterment.  I believe in working on thyself and for thyself.  If you can't be your own employee, then whose can you be?

What does this all have to do with websites and the interwebs, you ask?

Everything *insert Inception noise here*

This is simply a start, folks, but while I was searching for ways to de-stress this year, I came across two websites (told ya this had something to do with websites!) that sparked my interest.

The first is through the Chopra Center.  Yes, I am referring to the Oprah-touted spiritual leader's website/community.  The specific program I'm referring to is called "De-Stress Your Mind and Body ... in 10 Days." (Catchy, non?)

So far, I'm on day seven.....ish (there's been a day or two in between each task for me), and I have been given small tasks to do each day.  They have been manageable and pleasant.  For example, one of the day's tasks was to be still and basically meditate for 10 minutes. Done and done!  With the astounding number of apps and websites dedicated to timers and guided meditations, you can find a way to do 10 minutes of meditation.

The 10-day program does center around Ayurvedic medicine, or the balance of mind, body and environment: http://doshaquiz.chopra.com/.   The beginning of the program starts out with this quiz, identifying which area(s) of your "self" is (are) out of balance.  This is not to pathologize, but moreso to identify where you may be needing to balance and channel your energy.  For me, my mind is in stressville, and my body is "heavy" with stress, congestion, sluggishness.. Fun, eh?

Something to note: your results can change from day-to-day.  For science's sake, I may do this over 3 random days and see what results come up the most.  Yay, science!

One of the main tips I keep getting from various resources over the last couple of years is to "be still".  In what way?  Well, by doing yoga, meditating, breathing (breathing is always good), etc.  Those activities almost seem like catch-phrases or clichés these days.  However, there is profound peace that can be attained by practicing those activities.

Bonus! You do not have to be a professional meditator (meditater? tater? I do love potatoes) or yogi to practice yoga, meditation, and deep breathing.  Nope! It's actually best to start out small, Pick one of those for now and try it out for a few weeks.  There are lots of materials of on all three, and lots of FREE videos on all three practices:

Ekhart Yoga: lots of free yoga videos from beginner to advanced
Positive Magazine Meditation Relaxation Inspiration: a variety of Guided Meditations and other instructional videos on meditation ... you get to learn how to r e l a x. Bam! That's some homework I don't mind doing!

Even do a search for "deep breathing" on YouTube.com and you'll get a wide list of videos instructing you how to deep breathe (and for various benefits, too).

Onto the second link in question: www.De-stress.ca.  Yes, you read that correctly.   There exists a website called "de-stress." This is a Manitoba-based website with lots of resources and information on stress and how to do simple, manageable things to de-stress.  It's also free, in case you didn't catch that.

What about other resources? Google-magic gives us a plethora (I love that word) of resources. For example, following the search "how to stress less," the first few options include (again) very simple, manageable tricks to identify stress triggers and minimize their impact.  To boot, these resources come from a variety of areas: the fitness world, WebMD, a site geared toward women, the Psych realm of the interwebs, and plenty of others. Men, I did a search including "for men" and found one for the guys, too.  Equal opportunity (i.e. Feminism), baby!

Folks, I will caution you against biting off more than you can chew.  With all of this information, please consider where you are in your life and what you feel like doing.  It may only be that you are able to stop at lunch to take 3 deep breaths each day.  Once that becomes a habit (i.e. it becomes automatic for you), then think about what you want to incorporate next.  Baby steps will help you make new thing habits faster than taking on too much, doing it for a week, then giving up.

Let me know in the comments If there are other resources you've enjoyed or heard about that have helped you!

Bonus: I came across the following app (and website!) called Calm.com.  It's such a handy, comprehensive app to take meditations with you wherever you go.  And, they range from 2-30 minutes.  Everyone has 2 minutes in their day :). I got the app for free from the Amazon Marketplace (on my Blackberry Q10).

ENJOY!