Let's be REBELS

holistically: mindful

Because I feel mental these days. And I'm fine with that. 

Life has a funny way of twisting and warping your sense of time. Back in the Fall of 2015, it felt like time was trudging by, then sped up exponentially as my wedding drew nearer. Here we are. It's March, 2016: the birth month of my sister and my mother-in-law (two very special women). March also marks the anniversary of my grandmother's death (another very special woman). In between it all, St. Patty's Day shall adorn our lives with merriment and shenanigans. Quite the month.

I began typing this with a war wound from cooking: I sliced the padding of my ring finger with a potato peeler while prepping potatoes for both a tomato soup and a coconut curry.  I don't recommend it (the slicing of the finger; not the dishes...they're delicious). i'm compelled to be here, though: I'm here to step up the game with writing these posts. I've missed my e-verse. I've missed exploring familiar topics and contemplating other topics that seem fresh and alluring. This is a new year and there are new shenanigans to explore!

Why the title? It's not simply clickbait: I swear. 

I want to be a rebel, and I encourage you, my friends--my e-verse--to do the same. Against what shall we rebel? I dare us to rebel against societal norms and pressure to accept mediocrity in ourselves and in love.

I have been married 5 months. That's a drop in the bucket compared to other couples. Fully understand that, and I realize that we have a long road ahead of us filled with sunshine and storms. And those days where it's rainy and cool and makes you feel like your bones are shivering.  But mostly sunny days where there's a breeze and you could frolic all day long.

I digress.

What societal norms was I referring to before? In regard to pressures while in love...I have been teased by longer-married couples (in good humour, I reckon) about my husband and I being a "ball-and-chain" to each other. More often than not, we've heard many quips about how everything goes downhill after the wedding day. Yes, a few important things in my life did plunge into chaos after my wedding (and honeymoon), but it wasn't my marriage. 

If anything, my marriage has been getting better--or at least stronger. Hence why we got married. I did not get married just because it was the right thing to do at the time. My husband and I check in with each other all the time about life and how we're doing--we communicate with each other (shocking, I know... at least to the camps of people who believe marriage equals tolerating each other and having kids). We revel in each other's company, which has been very needed (let me tell you). We've done our best to honour when we need alone time, time with friends, time with family, and time "just us."

I admire and am humbled by my husband. Throughout some struggles that have bled into this year from 2015, he has encouraged me to radically take care of myself. This is not something I'm used to. I'm accustomed to a cortisol-fuelled, hamster-wheel lifestyle. He wants me to thrive and be happy and has done everything in his power to make it happen.

Amidst the kindness from my husband and my mission to regain my Ash-ness (and de-hamster), I'm reminded of some pesky societal pressures... I'm at that age now (i.e. any age post 25-years-old) where kids become a question, vocation is wagging its finger at me saying "make up your mind, stupid!", and I start to wonder if living in an apartment is still acceptable by society...at this age.  I'm guilty of letting these intruders in sometimes. All they're good for is pressure and stress.

Here's the part where we rebel, folks. Screw the pressure. Screw the ticking biological timebomb bullshit. Screw the notion that marriage and/or life slopes downwards after "that age" or after the most expensive (and hopefully happiest?!) day in your life.

No. I do not accept you.

Life isn't meant to be perfect, but it doesn't have to suck or be mediocre (at best). There will be shitty days and shitty periods in your life: whether you're married or not. What you hold onto and put your love and energy into during those shitty times and good times is what will thrive. If things get hard during our marriage, we haven't said "oh... this is life's expiration starting to take place. Cool." 

Instead, we've rebelled and said "hey you: we've got a good thing here and we're going to stick together." When life gets hard, we become shit-surfers, or at least help the other person onto the surfboard to ride it out together. (That whole communication thing helps a whole lot!)

If life gives you too much to be able to or want to help yourself or your spouse, then something needs to change. That's when the bullshit all piles up and the acceptance or compliance to the storm takes over. As in: "ok... this is how it's meant to be, I guess." *insert passive shrug here*

Sometimes, we need to pause in that passivity in order catch our breath and find inspiration to move forward. OF COURSE: in this passive time, be kind to your fine self and cope with what you can, when and how you can. I am a strong believer in asking for help if needed, too. 

THEN!

The magic happens when you're ready to move

ready to face change

ready to be a REBEL. 

Movement and "change" do not have to mean making things instantly sunny and happy. In fact, it practically never does. There is almost always discomfort with change, even when it leads to something beautiful. The point is to be rebellious against the status quo of whatever bullshit weight bears down on your shoulders. I dare you to not accept it just because everyone else is, or because it's common to do so for yourself or others. I dare you to be a rebel for yourself--for your heart and soul--and for your loved one(s).

It hasn't been easy rebelling against the notion that I'm becoming a boring, old, lazy, weakling due to recent life changes and decisions. I'm not ok with that and it hurts to feel like I'm becoming less of a person because of some of what's happened to me and choices I have made as I get older.

Inspired by the love in my life (from my husband, family, friends, colleagues), I dared to move and rebel against the dangers of getting older than 25. I'm sure some of the pressure and judgment I've felt has been self-imposed. That said, upon further exploration and discussion with friends and family, I've realized that an uncomfortable amount of pressure extends from long-standing societal expectations to be all wonderful things (including semi-happily married) by 25 or run the risk of being nothing at all. 

Rebel. 

Dare to balance compassion for yourself with forward momentum to evolve. I do not accept that life has to suck once I've passed 25 AND entered the institution of marriage.** I may not be WonderWoman at age 28, but my choices and circumstances have blessed me with an incredible circle of support, a mind that is mental but inspired, and a heart that is just as ok with taking care of itself as it is discovering the next mission on which it wants to embark.

Check your own pressures at the door and any pressures that may extend from the big bad world of "what everyone else is doing and saying." Dare to be you at any age, satisfy your heart at any age, and dare to be happy....... at ANY AGE, in ANY state of relationship including marriage. Life gets hard at times: it doesn't have to stay that way just because you got older and got married...or didn't. (Because being a single person past 25 is a whole other bag of.... sticks. This merits its own post some day.)

Just remember: 

Rebel.

**Please see my previous post on how I cherish marriage, if you're unsure of my feelings on the subject. :)

the Paradox of marriage

holistically: holistic :)

I'm getting married soon--we're talking less-than-20-days soon!

I am so excited that I could burst!  The wedding will be beautiful: smallish (just under 80 people), a church ceremony, and a reception at a gorgeous inn.

The marriage will be even more beautiful.

Before all this loveliness was planned and decided on, I had to define why I, Ashley, wanted to get married in the first place.  AND, what we (my fiance and I) thought of marriage as a couple?  (Thank you, my love for asking me, by the way!!) Since I resolved with myself why I wanted to marry, I've been approached by other people who want to know why I want to tie the knot.

Lots of pondering and soul-searching has gone on these last couple years because of this. I reflected on my identity as a faith-filled person, woman, feminist, bisexual human being, and tried to find where I stand with other "labels" in my life: what they mean to me, and how they're incorporated into my thoughts on marriage.  Let's focus on the first "label," though: faith.  Faith holds huge importance in my life.  With faith, too, comes the question of religion.

My relationship with the Church (Roman Catholic, that is) has been complicated, to say the least.  I won't get into all the details.  The short version is that it's still complicated, but I do have tremendous faith.  Faith in what?  A higher power (God), heaven, love, angels, forgiveness, and the idea that we're all human and deserve dignity. I believe in blessings, miracles, and the profundity of certain sacraments and milestones in life.

Marriage is one of those sacraments; while I do not agree with the Church's or society's stance on several issues, I do believe in the meaning of a marriage rite through the church as a blessing of a union between two people (whatever gender identity and/or sexual orientation).  I believe in the symbolic unification and sacred promise that two people go through in a marriage rite (be it Catholic or non-denominational or whatever!).  To me, marriage rites transcend simple promises and create a palpable and yet spiritual bond between two people who made the decision to dedicate their lives to each other.  That dedication is hugely intense and beautiful.  It's not something to be trifled with or made light of :).

Herein lies the paradox about this whole marriage thing. Marriage is sacred.  It is something to take seriously.  However, at the same time, it's something that is incredibly freeing and most uplifting.  To break it down a wee bit....

The serious bits
My beliefs underlying a marital promise transcends simply saying "I do" and goes so far as to say that God has blessed the promise my fiancé and I will be making to each other.  Through thick and thin, through the great times and the hard times, we have God, our families and friends, and the Church as our witnesses to the fact that we are dedicating our souls' journeys to each other and our future as a couple/family.  Breaking that promise and bond means breaking something sacred.

In my humble opinion, marriage needs to mean SOMETHING to you other than "yay! a wedding!" if you want it to last and you want it to be meaningful.  Weddings are lovely and fun and all, sure.  But they are not worth a lifetime of pain.

Do I think that you need to stay in a marriage if it's already broken, though?  Hell no. That's where I may differ from certain views.

Nothing in life is 1000% certain and people do change (shocking!). I do believe that marriage is something to enter into after serious reflection and with some certainty that you're willing to make sacrifices with and for another person.  I don't believe in throwing in the towel or tapping out when things get tough.

But, if you've tried it all and it won't mend, OR if there's abusive anything, time to go!

Now for the fun bits...
Have I mentioned how stoked I am to be married to my love?  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
That pic should say "weeeeee!!"

I digress.

Now that we have all the serious stuff out of the way, let's talk how AWESOME marriage can be, ok?  Marriage will allow me to live out my days with my best friend, lover, partner-in-crime, companion and whatever other cutsie names we have for each other (I know you do to.... don't lie... everybody has 'em!).  Marriage means I will have someone to support me through it all, and I get the amazing fulfillment of being able to be there for the person who I love with all my heart.

Those adult people were totally right when they told me that I'd "know" when I was in love (thanks, Mom!).  I know it all too well.  It's the greatest and most terrifying feeling ever.  To feel so much for someone and have that reciprocated is incredible, to say the least.  That incredible feeling is what I am blessed enough to experience for many years to come, thanks to committing to this relationship and now marriage!  I get to have this amazing person by my side who I'm crazy about and who is a wee bit crazy for me, too. I get to witness his accomplishments, happiness, ambitions, dreams--all the while, I'm inspired to be a better person and to pursue my own dreams because of him.

"But couldn't you experience all that without getting married?"

Sort of. Depends. If you believe you can, then yes.

For me and my life: I believe in the magic and spirituality of a sacramental promise. I believe in the adventure I'm about to embark in with the love of my life, and the sacredness of having Big Guns Upstairs bless our adventure, into Infinity and Beyond.

:)