The perfectly imperfect

holistically: emotional, social

There's been a theme here since March: loss, grieving, and dealing with pain. I promise there's growth in here, hope, and some reassurance!

So. After going through some photos of my best friend who passed away and me, I saw a comment from my dear friend's mom (she's basically an aunt to me) that said "perfect friendship." Queue emotional tidal wave of appreciation and love to my friend and her momma. 

It got me thinking. About what? Glad you asked.

Death has a twisted way of adding to the pain of loss by ailing us with thoughts of guilt, regret, what ifs, and a sense that somehow we screwed up by not being or doing more. I've thought of many moments, conversations, unspoken words that make me ache with all the thoughts I've mentioned above. 

Our friendship was not perfect in the sense that it was not without its struggles. While we didn't fight or backstab each other, we had our issues, tensions, and what we euphemistically called "discussions." Our affection, bond, and sisterly love transcended formality and normal convention, though and transcended any struggle we came across. And that, my friends, is what made my friendship with her perfect (in a deeper, more meaningful sense).

When she passed, I was pissed off. I still am, but the bubbling rage has subsided (for now). I was also livid and tormented by comments made by people who meant well but had a tendency to diminish our deep relationship into something so futile and meaningless. I won't go into detail, but when people don't have a comfort level in how to deal with grief, they can say some things that are well-intentioned but naive. Comments that made it sound like I was doing her a favour by being her friend. Or that it was lucky she didn't have "insert terminal illness here." 

I've thought long and hard on these two sentiments and here's the thing: they're not ok because they diminish her immense impact on all our lives---her extreme importance in her relationships with each person grieving her loss. One death is not worse than the other, no matter the cause. The pain felt by those who are grieving cannot be measured by how long the deceased was suffering due to an illness, nor if the person was murdered, caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, or another cause. The bottom line in this case is that her entire family, squad, loved ones, friends all lost her so suddenly that it knocked the breath out of us so that we lost some of our own lifeforce, too. A piece of us will always be missing now. It didn't matter how it happened, just that it did happen.

Picture a photograph of you with your best friend. Now picture that an invisible hand just picks up your friend and poof! She's gone. That dumbfoundedness that you feel? yeah. That's accurate. But I digress.

Onto the next point of the whole "favour" thing. Ready for a truthbomb? She saved my life so many times that I can't count. True friendship is a two-way street filled with give and take. We leaned on each other all the time. We had our tensions here and there, yes, but we respected each other enough to discuss things and do a little thing required in all effective relationships: communicate. Friendship is no favour: it's a gift that two people choose to honour and nurture together. She did me the favour, folks. She opened her (huge) heart to me and let me in. That is the ultimate gift and favour.

Ranting aside, despite how my thoughts may wander and start doubting if I was a good friend or not, if I could have been there more, etc., I am so bloody grateful for our friendship. Rather, our "sistership." We chose each other. I'll be forever grateful to God (or whatever power you believe in) for putting us on this planet together. I have incredible memories with her! I've met incredible people because of her! Her family inspires me to hold on to my own family and never let go because life is truly short. Cliche, yes, but there's truth to that one.

No matter why or how someone passes away, I hope that you feel able to embrace your pain, emotions, and get the support you deserve to deal with something so immense.

What's more, I hope you can step back and remember the good memories with that person. While it may seem counterintuitive, there's perfection in our flaws and our ability to deal with growing pains and joys in a friendship. There's perfection in a love that is so strong it made family out of strangers. 

So, yes: our friendship is perfect because it's human, full of love, and will endure whatever time throws our way.

What relationships are perfectly imperfect in your lives? :) 

The "S" Word

holistically: emotional

Suicide is a scary subject, right? It's one of things that is so taboo in our society. There are misconceptions about suicide, too. For one, people seem to think that talking about it makes it more likely to happen for someone; as if by mentioning suicide to someone with suicidal thoughts, then you'll be encouraging them to do it. You'll plant a seed and help it grow resulting in an attempt to suicide.

That's not true. Period.

You see, people who have suicidal thoughts think of suicide as a giant, murderous elephant in the room. It's there, it wants to literally kill them, they don't feel comfortable talking about it, but they wish they could scream about it. Whenever I brought suicide up with clients, there was a palpable exhale of relief from them. By my naming their fear and bringing up the one thing that's on their mind but not on their tongue, the murderous elephant became Snuffleupagus: awkward and not sure why it exists, but at least he isn't trying to kill you at the moment.

I've been to two training sessions on how to recognize suicidal tendencies in others and how to help people in various circumstances. The second session was akin to Suicide First Aid. Before the training, I remember that I was terrified about talking to people about suicide, how the hell I would deal with it, and what would it feel like to have someone's greatest pain tossed into my hands. Once I learned what I could, and more importantly once I learned about who gets these kinds of thoughts, it became scary for a different reason.

It became scary because I almost got used to talking about it. There were so many people I came across in my work experience with suicidal thoughts. And, just as often as those who display "typical" risk factors, were those who seemed completely "normal."

Suicidal thoughts do not indicate a definite risk of suiciding.

SIDENOTE: it's considered more compassionate to say "suicide" instead of "commit suicide," as it's not a crime anymore. In addition, saying someone "committed" suicide places more stigma on the issue. There's enough stigma on it already.

A great example of how thoughts don't always equal action can be found in this awesome article, entitled What's the difference between suicidal thoughts and actions? One mom explains.

Which brings me to the next tidbit of this wordfest.

I have so much to be thankful for: life, an incredible husband, family, friends, a decent house, two little furbabies, financial support, and so many "things" (a lot of which I probably don't "need" but I digress). All of that makes what I'm about to share that much more painful and enraging (to me). I get the "s-word" thoughts, too. I had them when I was younger (in high school), and they've poked at me for years since. There are obvious triggers (loss being the biggest one), but sometimes it's simply part and parcel of my depression. Those are fun days: feeling sad and suicidal for "no reason" except that my brain is depressed.

I'm ok. Let's get that out of the way--just as the mom says in the article, I am ok. I'm telling you this because if there are any of you out there thinking/saying "OMG ME TOO!", I want to give you the chance to exhale some relief. Of course, let me scream from my side of the universe that if you EVER feel unsafe or in crisis, call a crisis line. Do it. In London, the Crisis Line is through CMHA 519-433-2023, located on 648 Huron St., London, ON (http://cmhamiddlesex.ca/crisis-services/). The Crisis Line also has a mobile outreach unit. And, there's always 911.

It sucks to be in crisis, but it also sucks to feel any of these feelings or think any of these thoughts. Journal, talk to someone, and dare I say it? Try counselling. I'm not saying to commit yourself to a life full of therapy if you don't want to, but consider talking to someone about these thoughts. Honestly, the biggest and most profound nugget that comes from counselling is validation. I've experienced it myself, and I've had the honour to provide it for others. It's so basic, but so incredibly profound: to feel like your feelings and thoughts are based in something real, that you're not a different species, and that you're human.

Again, if counselling isn't your jam right now, there are other phone lines (Distress Centre 519-667-6711, Good2Talk 1-866-925-5454 if you're in school, Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868). Or, there's paper, computers, and friends. It's scary, it's humbling, but the world needs you, so take a chance.

As for the training side of things, these are the rockstars who put on the two training sessions I did (SafeTALK and ASIST): The London Middlesex Suicide Prevention Council and LifeWorks. I would encourage anyone to take SafeTALK as it's accessible, a briefer length, and usable by everyone. ASIST is more geared towards helping professionals, is more intense, but would be amazing if everyone could do it :).  Again, the ASIST training is truly more Suicide First Aid. Invaluable stuff. Both training programs help create a safer community. Who doesn't want that???

I am so thankful for the people in my life. They've been pillars, holding me up when I have felt like I was going to fall down or deserved to fall down. They relentlessly remind me that I do deserve to live and thrive, even when I wake up thinking the world would be better off if...And the experiences I've had: they've given me the resources to help myself and others.

I'm ok. If you're not, please talk to someone. Name that elephant, because you could turn it from a demonic, laser-eyed beast into Snuffleupagus. And who could be scared of Snuffleupagus????



(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/80/Snuffy31.jpg)

Physician: heal thyself

holistically: holistic :)

I'm sure you've heard the saying in the title before. What do physicians do? Heal others. What do they need to do before they heal others? Heal themselves. 

The same goes for any helping professionals. Doctors, social workers (ahem!), counsellors, front-line workers, help desk employees, customer service, etc. etc. etc.: you're all in need of helping yourself first. There's another saying I'd like to throw into the mix: "an empty cup cannot fill another." It certainly goes along the same vein in that you cannot help other before you have helped yourself. If you are exhausted, drained, feeling like absolute crap, you may not be able to help someone who's rowing in the same boat.

Here's the thing: I'm exhausted. In regard to writing, I'm facing this paradox of having tonnes of content in my head but not wanting to write a word. I'd be a hypocrite if I forced myself to write when I'm really not feeling like it. After much thought, the desire built up to put words to.. screen.

I know some incredible people in my life, and they inspired me to write this. I'm no expert, but I want to lend some support and advice to those who are open to it. I know what it feels like to be on empty yet to feel pressure to perform and help others because it's "what you do." It's a nasty cycle to be in, and if you find yourself in that cycle, I hope this helps.

You may find yourself able to relate to the following situations. So, for any of you reading this, whether you're in one of the situations or not, CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. Take a break. You may not have time to take a full-on vacation or something, but take a small mental break, and take it as often as you can. Life won't stop for you but you can stop the spiraling downward motion of hamster-wheeling it without taking any time/space for yourself.

So here's to:
-Parents: of children and/or expecting children
-People unhappy in their jobs
-People stressed out about their jobs (whether they like the jobs or not)
-People unsure of their life purpose/path
-People who are grieving
-People who have given up something huge or made a big change
-People living life (i.e. life is simply stressful sometimes)

Most of us do care for others, whether or not in a professional capacity. No matter how you care for others, you do need to take care of yourself. There's no weakness in that nor is it selfish. If you burn yourself out, you will be unable to do a damn thing for yourself, let alone for others in your life.

What kinds of mental breaks can you take?
1) A short walk -- nature helps calm everything down... unless it's hailing or tornado-ing... stay inside in those cases
2) A few belly breaths
3) A quick meditation (guided or not), through apps like Headspace or Calm -- these are available on Android devices and Apple, I believe
4) Talk to a friend or family member (most of us are lucky to have someone we can tell anything to--if you don't, consider talking to a counsellor....it's not scary, I promise...even if you're a counsellor yourself :))
5) Play a video game
6) Play a mental health game masked as a regular video game called Superbetter
7) Make some tea, have some coconut water, make some hot chocolate, or eat something delicious (Nutellaaaaaaaaaa)
8) Do a body scan (start with sitting comfortably, and bring awareness to each part of your body...you may feel silly at first but this is a deceptively effective technique to help you relax)
9) SAY NO: I have trouble with this one, but you're going to disappoint people in your life, so get used to it. Say no to things you don't want to do. Most of the time, you'll feel better. I promise.
10) Hug a furbaby. Or a stuffed animal. or a tree, or a reptile if you prefer reptiles.

HUGS EVERYONE.

Grief

holistically: emotional
and everything else

Have you seen the movie Homeward Bound? If you have, good on you. If you haven't, then I suggest you either watch it or continue under the warning that there are some spoilers. You were warned.
You were.

Remember the scene where Shadow gets stuck in that awful mud hole? He whimpers and paws frantically to get out of it while his companions try to help him, but he falls clumsily back into the mire for what seems like forever?

That's grief.

You paw and claw out of the muck and mire but you slide back down and fall on your ass. Yup. It's messy, unpredictable, but you know it's a tough mothertrucker to get out of. There is no formula, rhyme or reason.Your friends and family worry about you getting out and try wonderful and sometimes silly things to help you out. Or they're in there with you, fighting the (not so) good fight.  If they're on the outside, they'll shout suggestions, commands, encouragements, declarations of love, concern, sometimes even anger... "GET OUT!" "YOU CAN DO IT!" "KEEP TRYING!"

In case you hadn't guessed or don't know me, I'm currently grieving. I've been through this before, as many of you have, but I'm an adult this time around. The difference between then and now? Swearwords and alcohol are available (allowed).

My first dance with grief started when I was 7 years old. I've grown older since then and hopefully somewhat wiser. However, grief doesn't give a shit. It throws you into a pit and makes you feel like that scared, helpless 7 year old (except with a bottle of tequila in your grasp). The mud starts to dry up with each happy moment or memory, and you think you have enough traction to climb out. Sadness creeps in and starts to make it rain. Bye bye traction. Or maybe anger sweeps in, makes it pour, makes it rain ice pellets that you can't escape from. All you can do is sit or stand there and scream. You're not getting out today.

Then the happy memories come back... the hope. Whether or not the sun comes out, it has at least stopped raining long enough to catch your breath. You don't quite feel like "you" yet, but you don't feel like a worthless piece of shit, either.

I don't know if you remember in the movie, but Shadow makes it out. How? No idea. Some may say it got dry enough for him to climb, others may say a stick or board was there that helped him, still others may say "dog magic" or "who cares?!". The point is, he made it out (much to his family's joyous relief). Shadow survived.

Ironic name, really: Shadow. Grief does stick with you once you're out of the pit like a shadow. But I digress.

Shadow climbed out of the pit. You can climb out of grief.

Unfortunately, as this isn't the world of voice-over animals who survive amazing (impossible?) odds, there won't be a music cue or time limit on a film reel to tell you when you'll get out of the pit. The "when" isn't the point, actually. "If" is the point.

Will you make it out?

For those of you who've been through loss and grief, you clearly made it out. Even if you're still muddy years after, you made it out. So did I. Let's not analyze our performance too much, ok? Let's just give this a pass/fail. We're alive. That's a pass!

I'll climb out of this one. One day [insert emo face here]

In case you hadn't noticed, I also use humour as a coping mechanism.

Carrying on: being an adult is simultaneously helpful and maddening for dealing with grief. It's helpful in the ways I've already mentioned (larger vocabulary and access to sweet sweet scotch), but maddening in that your logic can name all the feelings you're going through and the stages of grief, but it matters ZERO PERCENT. Your feelings certainly don't give a shit. They hit, smack, kick, tickle, slap, punch, and stab you whenever they want, however they want, and for however long they want. You can name them all you want: it won't matter. They're still comin'.

This is normal. Remember that.

So what do you do to avoid grief? You don't. Sorry.

But you can do something radical once you're in the pit. Be kind to yourself. Feel the feelings. Take it hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to. Yes, the pain can be strong enough to make you want to do horrible things or numb up and waste away. Like phobias, the best way to deal with grief is to feel it and face it. It sucks. I'm not going to sugarcoat that. As for your onlookers, cheering squad, mockers, whoever: pay attention to the ones who love you and who you love. These are the ones who "get it." They likely have been through grief before, too. They don't make your pain about them or your grieving process about them. It's your ass in the pit: not theirs.

There will be those people who give you hope through it all, which will feel impossible until you feel them near. I hope you experience this if you have to go through this at all. They're earth angels. They'll be there for you no matter how messy you get. Chances are, they've been where you are. They'll let you be who you are, feel what you feel, and only interfere when you start digging yourself into a dangerous place from which you may not return.

Listen to those people.

There will be people who mean well but who don't know how to deal with other people in pain. That's their cross to bear: not yours. This doesn't make them bad or wrong; it simply means that you don't need to expend what little energy you'll have on them. That's ok.

You'll make it out. Keep going. Climb. Or just sit and bark a lot until you get bored, the music in your head swells like the ending of a movie, and you magic your way to higher ground. I won't judge. My cats are sometimes my greatest therapists, so really. I can't judge.

Good luck to you. I'm done pawing at the muddy walls for the day. Time for a break before I go at 'er again tomorrow.

On Sensitivity and Emotions

holistically: mindful

Sensitivity--or in this case, the state of being deeply emotional both inwardly and through outward expression--is usually seen as weakness. The word "sensitivity" itself is usually interpreted as being "easily hurt" or offended--a trait considered very undesirable. Check out the Dictionary.com definition, for example.

"Don't be so sensitive!"

"Suck it up!"

"Get over it!"

Sound familiar? Well, it seems like our society is obsessed with always moving forward--with bulldozing emotional response for the sake of productivity, efficiency, and in all reality, for the sake of not making others uncomfortable with our own uncomfortable emotions.

As soon as we step into the realm of emotional experience and expression, we step into the stigma surrounding the idea that being "emotional" is weak--that it's bad. Well guess what: humans are emotional beings. We all experience emotion.

Yes, some emotions can feel negative and can have negative effects. Anger, sadness, grief come to mind. However, the negative effects that these emotions can have are contingent on how we express them--on how we use them. What the heck do I mean??

If you're angry about something, then you're angry about something. There is ZERO wrong with acknowledging that. Being sensitive in this case and showing your anger is NOT wrong. It boils down to the "how" of it all, though...

For argument's sake, let's look at an example, shall we? A co-worker shirks his/her responsibility to do a task that is theirs to do. You end up having to do it and to have it done.....yesterday. If you're angry about this, that's OK. What if you go and punch your co-worker? That's not ok. That's a negative effect (if I do say so myself). What if you go and yell at your co-worker? That's also not ok and another negative effect that will spawn other negative effects like a virus (or like this chain reaction, though not as cute). .

But what if you go for a walk? Breathe heavily in your office for a bit or in the bathroom? What if you write down everything you're feeling/thinking (even if the f-word comes up every second word)? What if you wait until you're somewhere you can punch a pillow or an actual boxing bag? Or, simply, what if you go somewhere safe and swear, scream, flail, yell "I'M SO ANGRY" for a few seconds until you're calm?

ALL OK!

That's right: that would all be ok. Know why? Because you're not storing that negative, angry energy and thoughts in your mind and body. Regardless of the actions that need to be done, how you perceive the action/task will be the deciding factor in your own health. To clarify: if you decide that you need to do that task that your co-worker tossed onto your shoulders, then do it. But that doesn't mean you have to like it, and it does not mean that you're not allowed to be angry. So be angry. But let that anger out in a way that does not hurt yourself or another person, and find a way to move on.

BONUS: if you can find a way to talk to your co-worker about this issue, even better. But this needs to happen after your jets are settled and you feel like a cool cucumber.

Example number two: your pet passes away and you aren't able to talk to a friend/spouse/family member yet about it, but you're really, really upset. You feel it building up and are almost not able to "keep it together" around other people. Please be kind to yourself and do something about that sadness. It's perfectly OK to cry for 5 minutes straight (or however long you need) in a safe location. Again, you could also scribble down what you're thinking/feeling, even if it doesn't make sense. Sadness and grief can be complicated. There are different ebbs and flows of how you experience grief. Allow yourself those feelings and thoughts that accompany grief, and do your best to communicate your needs with your loved ones and friends. If you're in healthy relationships with your loved ones, they'll understand the boundaries you need around grief (especially those people who have experienced loss themselves).

If you do not have anyone you trust to talk to, there are resources out there. Counsellors, phone lines, websites, oh my! For London, Ontario, this is good place to start.

What happens if you chronically (i.e. frequently and/or over an extended amount of time) do NOT express emotion--especially "negative" ones?

Lots. And it ain't good.

To list a few things that could be present (not all at once, though)... *drum roll*

Physically***:
-IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)
-high blood pressure
-other digestive upset
-hormonal imbalance
-trouble sleeping
-heart issues
-exhaustion
many others

Mentally***:
-brain fog
-scattered thought
-repetitive thoughts and/or memories
-"obsessing" about certain thoughts or memories
-anxious "what if" thinking

Emotionally and Mood***:

-Irritability
-withdrawing
-anxiety
-depression
-mood swings
-feelings of inadequacy
-feelings of unfairness and/or not being "heard"
-fight-or-flight
-aggression

***NOTE: this is NOT a diagnostic tool, nor should it be used in place of professional medical advice. Please see a doctor or other helping professional if you have questions or concerns about any of the above, or any symptoms/issues not listed here.***

Where do we go from here??? Is sensitivity good or bad??? It's good, right??

It's dangerous to think in terms of black and white: to consider sensitivity a "good" or "bad" thing.

So far, we've looked at why sensitivity is NOT a bad thing and why the only thing that's "bad" is keeping your emotions inside and letting them build. However, the absence of something bad is not necessarily equal to "good." It's not "good" to run away with all of your emotions, either.

Again, what do we do??

Get ready because I'm about to talk about the "b" word: BaLaNcE.

Be sensitive...but balance that shit with healthy expressions of your strong emotions. Let the anger out. Let the joy out. You're a human being, and human beings are built with a broad range and intensity of emotions. There's nothing wrong with feeling and showing your feelings. You're not a wuss or weak if you show emotion. That's some sexist bullshit right there, but we may address that on another day...

When in doubt, LET IT OUT.

Other reading: Emotion Suppression Effects on Mental and Physical Health
Emotion Suppression and Rebound Effect (Emotion Regulation)
Bottling Emotions and Associated Health Risks
Emotion Suppression and Effects on Relationships
Repression and its Effects
Suppression and Depression
Holistic View of Emotional Suppression and its Effects
Anger Suppression and Health

And for fun:
Buzzfeed: 26 Signs You're a Highly Sensitive Person
Huffington Post: 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People