Where is she?

holistically: holistic

I look for her. Sometimes unconsciously. My heart's muscle memory grabs for her when a familiar song comes on, I watch a movie, I go somewhere, I see a certain colour or hear a certain sound... you get the picture. The triggers can be subtle, the triggers can be obvious, or they can be random as... well... random. When I can't find my best friend and the realization settles in like poison that she's not coming back, I droop. I get numb. I ache. I feel lost.

I know that feeling well and if you've ever lost someone, you may have felt it, too. When my father died it was the same thing: lumbering around life, looking for him, looking for a shred of his presence to ease my pain.

Within the feeling of being lost more recently, came a realization: I'm not only looking for her and for my father, I'm looking for me. I'm trying to find who I was and who I am now that all of this has happened.

The notion of searching for oneself sounds cliché but that's because it's common. We want to feel whole. We want to feel as though we know ourselves best and be confident in who that is. The problem is that we don't want to do the work just yet. In pain it becomes difficult to muster strength to change or assimilate new information. Basic tasks have to be relearned anyway and that seems to be where most energy goes after a loss.

That said, if you find a shred of hope or light, your gaze can shift toward the light. Yes, we can also start looking in darker places. It's ok to dabble sometimes as long as you don't stay there. In terms of the lighter side of things, I turned to the usual suspects the most (friends, family, my cats). Or my bed. Lately, however, I've turned to podcasts.

The podcast journey started because of my genius, beautiful sister-in-law. Instead of jamming out to tunes in the car, she and her husband listen to an incredibly engaging podcast called Serial. You can listen to this podcast on whatever app you desire (both Apple and Android stores should have a compatible app). I use CastBox (http://castbox.fm/).

Being me, I eagerly began subscribing to any and every podcast that tickled my fancy. Plenty of podcasts exist for everything from self-help to learning French to Science to Serial's uncanny ability to plunge you into the vortex of a single case's every winding, curvy detail for a season.

One podcast took me by surprise. Sure, I support happy, rainbow-filled literature, websites, discussions, etc. However, most of the time, I crave something more real and down to earth. Hence, when I subscribed to Vibrant Happy Women, I had my doubts but a part of me craved the sunshine that the title promised. Well, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's better.

Each episode focuses on a woman who has been through some shit. I believe the first one I listened to featured a mom from the Sandy Hook incident back in 2012. Her humanity astounded me. I was humbled, inspired, and dumbfounded by her forgiving, beautiful perspective on the world. I ended that podcast feeling that if she could forgive and see things in a new light, then why can't I?!

Another episode featured a woman who struggled with depression and anxiety. Now that is something all too many of us can identify with. Again, I felt humbled, inspired, and wanted to shift my thinking on my own life.

I've listened to about 15 episodes now. All feature different women who have gone through different plights of varying magnitudes and their transformations have been anywhere from subtle to ginormous. The captain of the podcast ship is Jen Riday. She's a life coach and a calming, warm presence. A magnificent force and woman herself, she curates other magnificent women to show us that we're all so different and so much the same.

So what the hell have I found on this podcast journey? Myself. Not a whole being or formula or graph that denotes specific qualities and emotions, but humble truths that have always been there but have been in hiding.

The first truth: we've ALL gone through something that we found difficult and/or are still going through it. Be kind--to yourself and to others. It's easier than you think.

The second and perhaps most important truth: you have to help yourself before you can help others.

Every woman on Jen's show is asked what some of their favourite quotes are, what they've been through, how they've come out of it, and what advice would they give to others. The main answer to the advice question was answered in a few ways, but a couple of note are the airplane analogy (put your own oxygen mask on first), or simply that you need to take care of yourself before and in order to take care of others. I addressed this issue in a previous post, "Physician: Heal Thyself." I believed the notion when I wrote it, but I didn't quite grasp that I could do it myself until I started hearing other women talk about it.

That's a paradox, I know: relying on other women to tell me I can do something that's supposed to be self-driving. Well, it's true. Because of these women I've only ever heard and never seen, I started to realize that I only have to look two places in order to help and find myself: to other people, and in the mirror. I feel so different and inadequate compared to others sometimes, until I hear their vulnerability and strength. I hear a voice inside me that says "Yes! I've felt that way!" or "OMG you do that TOO?!" I feel connected to something deeper than lil' ol' me.

When I look in the mirror, I start to see me. I start to see that I have some of the qualities these women have: resilience, vulnerability, strength, fallibility, and humanity. Sure, I can strive for other things throughout my life but those are more material or superficial goals. We certainly get wrapped up in those material goals: lose weight, be physically stronger, read a thousand books, be an early morning person and a social butterfly, know all the things, etc. The qualities (resilience, vulnerability, etc.) I mentioned before these material things are timeless and priceless.

Resilience is not something you can achieve through a 30 day program or a Facebook group challenge. It's inherent in all of us and is stoked when we're tested by life's trials. It's there. All you have to do is look back when you've struggled. If you're still alive, then you were resilient. Cut yourself some damn slack.

All you have to do is look in the mirror and realize that you have what it takes because you are you. I have what it takes to thrive because I am me. The people I lost loved me (thank God for that!). That love stemmed from a connection and recognition of similar qualities in each other. Take a moment and think about why you love certain people in your life. I bet you can come up with a few common qualities between them and lil' ol' you.

So maybe love yourself a little bit more. Cut yourself some slack. It's ok to look for yourself sometimes, but I challenge you to find yourself sometimes, too.

There's a website for that

holistically: mindful

Hello Interwebs

Just your friendly neighbourhood Social Work-esque blogger here.

We all know the phrase: "there's an app for that" (thanks, Apple).  Well, I believe that there is also a website for most things in life: cooking, loving, clothes, how-to's, organization, self-help, gadgets, gaming, resources, informational pages, etc. etc. etc.  If you've thought of it, there probably is a website for it.

Which brings me to my quest for "what will I resolve to do this year" (i.e. cliché New Year's resolution stuff). I'm not a fan of clichéd tasks, really: having a New Year's resolution feels uninspired and unauthentic.  Why?  Because we're force-fed resolutions by a plethora of sources (media, companies, advertising) that we "should" strive for: lose weight! look younger! get fit! be more [insert whatever trait society deems successful, beautiful, sexy, desirable, etc.]!  Not much room for change or creativity, eh?

Having said all that, I do see value in striving for self-betterment.  I believe in working on thyself and for thyself.  If you can't be your own employee, then whose can you be?

What does this all have to do with websites and the interwebs, you ask?

Everything *insert Inception noise here*

This is simply a start, folks, but while I was searching for ways to de-stress this year, I came across two websites (told ya this had something to do with websites!) that sparked my interest.

The first is through the Chopra Center.  Yes, I am referring to the Oprah-touted spiritual leader's website/community.  The specific program I'm referring to is called "De-Stress Your Mind and Body ... in 10 Days." (Catchy, non?)

So far, I'm on day seven.....ish (there's been a day or two in between each task for me), and I have been given small tasks to do each day.  They have been manageable and pleasant.  For example, one of the day's tasks was to be still and basically meditate for 10 minutes. Done and done!  With the astounding number of apps and websites dedicated to timers and guided meditations, you can find a way to do 10 minutes of meditation.

The 10-day program does center around Ayurvedic medicine, or the balance of mind, body and environment: http://doshaquiz.chopra.com/.   The beginning of the program starts out with this quiz, identifying which area(s) of your "self" is (are) out of balance.  This is not to pathologize, but moreso to identify where you may be needing to balance and channel your energy.  For me, my mind is in stressville, and my body is "heavy" with stress, congestion, sluggishness.. Fun, eh?

Something to note: your results can change from day-to-day.  For science's sake, I may do this over 3 random days and see what results come up the most.  Yay, science!

One of the main tips I keep getting from various resources over the last couple of years is to "be still".  In what way?  Well, by doing yoga, meditating, breathing (breathing is always good), etc.  Those activities almost seem like catch-phrases or clichés these days.  However, there is profound peace that can be attained by practicing those activities.

Bonus! You do not have to be a professional meditator (meditater? tater? I do love potatoes) or yogi to practice yoga, meditation, and deep breathing.  Nope! It's actually best to start out small, Pick one of those for now and try it out for a few weeks.  There are lots of materials of on all three, and lots of FREE videos on all three practices:

Ekhart Yoga: lots of free yoga videos from beginner to advanced
Positive Magazine Meditation Relaxation Inspiration: a variety of Guided Meditations and other instructional videos on meditation ... you get to learn how to r e l a x. Bam! That's some homework I don't mind doing!

Even do a search for "deep breathing" on YouTube.com and you'll get a wide list of videos instructing you how to deep breathe (and for various benefits, too).

Onto the second link in question: www.De-stress.ca.  Yes, you read that correctly.   There exists a website called "de-stress." This is a Manitoba-based website with lots of resources and information on stress and how to do simple, manageable things to de-stress.  It's also free, in case you didn't catch that.

What about other resources? Google-magic gives us a plethora (I love that word) of resources. For example, following the search "how to stress less," the first few options include (again) very simple, manageable tricks to identify stress triggers and minimize their impact.  To boot, these resources come from a variety of areas: the fitness world, WebMD, a site geared toward women, the Psych realm of the interwebs, and plenty of others. Men, I did a search including "for men" and found one for the guys, too.  Equal opportunity (i.e. Feminism), baby!

Folks, I will caution you against biting off more than you can chew.  With all of this information, please consider where you are in your life and what you feel like doing.  It may only be that you are able to stop at lunch to take 3 deep breaths each day.  Once that becomes a habit (i.e. it becomes automatic for you), then think about what you want to incorporate next.  Baby steps will help you make new thing habits faster than taking on too much, doing it for a week, then giving up.

Let me know in the comments If there are other resources you've enjoyed or heard about that have helped you!

Bonus: I came across the following app (and website!) called Calm.com.  It's such a handy, comprehensive app to take meditations with you wherever you go.  And, they range from 2-30 minutes.  Everyone has 2 minutes in their day :). I got the app for free from the Amazon Marketplace (on my Blackberry Q10).

ENJOY!